the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
