There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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