I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
