Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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