Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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