oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
