awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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