I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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