I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone