I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
