dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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