He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
