My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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