Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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