What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize