did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
