fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
