the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
