Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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