this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
