just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
