You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
