I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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