I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
