I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
