He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
