There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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