i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
