I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
