I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
