I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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