Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
God, I missed his penis.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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