Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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