Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
