Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
