More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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