I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
