hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
