I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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