thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
