A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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