You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
