Just fell off a train. Bad.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would fuck him just for his dog
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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