I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
