I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
