dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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