just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
