ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
