Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
