apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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