I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize