my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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