Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
