my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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