Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
